(Last Updated On: May 8, 2018)
Son: “Dad, I’m hungry”
Dad: “Hi hungry, I’m Dad”
Dad: Did you hear about the crazy Mexican killer?!
Dad: He had Loco motives!
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
The flag is a big plus.
I’m terrified of elevators,
But I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
You should never try to use a pencil with a broken tip….
I mean, there’s just no point.
6. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”
CASHIER: “Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?”
DAD: “No, just leave it in the carton!’”
8. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
9. How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
10. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine
Son: Hey dad, I’m cold
Dad: Go stand in the corner
Dad: Because the corner … is 90 degrees…
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Dad: I really miss driving my mini-Jedi master
Son: Your what……
Dad: You don’t remember my Toy Yoda?
What do you do with a sick boat?
Take it to the dock
What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet…
I don’t know why.
Why aren’t Koala Bears really bears?
Because they don’t have the Koalaifications
Why did the blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.
RIP boiling water.
You shall be mist.
Yesterday I saw an ad that said “radio for sale,$1,volume stuck on full”
I thought, “I can’t turn that down”
Why is Thor’s brother so relaxed all the time?
I don’t know — he’s just low-key
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!
23. When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that’s a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
24. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
25. I’d tell you a steak joke but they’re never well done.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Did you hear about the english teacher who went to jail?
She got a full sentence
A man tried to sell me a coffin…
I told him that’s the last thing I need
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two…
Jokes about unemployed people aren’t funny.
They just don’t work.
31. “Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”
32. “Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.”